I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
