Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
