shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
