what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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