We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
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When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
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The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
They are going to name an STD after you.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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