hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I came so hard my ears popped.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
