Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
