if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
