So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
