i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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