cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
