There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
