hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
