The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
