I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
