I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
