By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
