i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Bring me that man meat
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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