good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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