My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
