If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
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