Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
