Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
