hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
