I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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