And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
