Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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