the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so that wasnt chicken after all
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
