So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
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Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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