Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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