my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
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Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
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she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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