Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
