I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
