Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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