alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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