And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
