oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
