He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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