I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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