Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Randomize
