Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
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I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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