If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
