I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
