the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
