and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
