Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
