he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
