just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
