I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
