im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
