It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
