Hey man sorry I got all grabby
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
