I haven't been this sober since birth.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
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I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
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he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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