Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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