I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
