forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
