wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
