Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
