So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
