I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
