pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
