well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
