I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
